March 2010
26 posts
Salmon
An Alaskan stream gushes beneath a canyon of evergreen boughs. A salmon darts upstream, dodging sparse debris from a flash flood miles ahead, projecting a fleeting flash of reflected sunlight on the washed out bank. He thinks.
HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT IT IS COLD. JESUS. Oh my god this water is so goddamned freezing. Oh this sucks so so bad. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. OH SHIT, A MOSQUITO IS ON THE SURFACE!...
An Emergency Kit
In the event of a crash landing in enemy territory.
Water
1 lb of Emergency Rations
Vitamins
Antibiotics
Morphine
One German Dictionary
One Standard .45 GI Pistol
One Pair Nylon Stockings
One Pair Heel Pumps
One Brassiere
Two Tennis Balls
One Golden Flax Blouse
One Blond Wig
One “How to Woo a German Dictator” Guide
One Easy to Break Wine Bottle
One Briefcase to...
Focusss
Tracy and Keith stand alone in the kitchen. They discuss their son, Joe. KEITH: Tracy, I’m still worried about putting Joe on this ADHD medication. TRACY: Aderol is a reliable medication, proven to help someone with Joe’s condition focus. What’s your concern? That it’s not safe? Because remember what Doctor Gooding told us, 98% of- KEITH: No no, it’s not that. I know...
a thought
let’s say you wake up one morning- poof! there you go, you’re awake. and you’re sleeping next to the decapitated head of a horse. and you haven’t seen the first Godfather film. and you don’t own a horse. and you’ve never ridden a horse. and you don’t much care for horses. and the bed that you were sleeping in wasn’t yours. wouldn’t that be...
Daddy Advice
This may be a bit too soon to think about, but I’ve been wondering what kind of Dad I’m going to be. I mean, bearing in mind that I actually might be a Dad (fuck the system man, I’m not making another slave for your corporate machine). The idea sounds cool.
Am I going to be mean? Am I going to be a “fun-dad”? Am I going to be accepting when my son comes out of the...
ode to coffee
i gulp down coffee like its the only thing that makes me happy anymore. and it is. the taste is despicable. utterly horrendous. but the jittery feeling i get, like a jazz accompaniment to my feet as they caress their way across the floor, makes me forget all the things i used to enjoy. momentarily.
i forget about the raw passion that used to energize every one of my days. the want that used to...
Sports Guidance Counselor
Int. Guidance Counselor’s office
Jerry: Hey Mr. Sports Counselor, all the kids pick on me because I’m a little overweight. I tell them I’m big-boned, but they still laugh at me because they can run faster than me. What can I do?
Counselor: Why that’s easy you little rapscallion! Join the football team. Did you know that football is the second to only sumo-wrestling in...
When Harry Met Sally...
2 Men at a batting cage.
-Yeah it’s really great. I can talk to her about anything. It’s like having another version of you.
-Yeah but I came first.
-Ha of course. I will always honor and recognize that.
-Duly noted. So, she’s got a great personality.
-She’s so clever. She outwits me in every conversation. It’s truly endearing.
-She’s attractive.
...
Students Against the Abuse of Sigur Ros
SATAOSR is a non-profit organization dedicated to ending the abuse of Sigur Ros songs in popular culture.
We are dedicated to preventing anymore videos featuring the song Hoppipolla and other sonically mind-blowing tracks by Sigur Ros from ever being produced. It is Sigur Ros Abuse (SRA) at its finest.
Taken from their pristine and untouched land of Iceland, Sigur Ros has been exploited and in...
In the News
UN Delegates Awkward After Nuclear Talks in Front of Japan
Santa Discovered to be Lead Singer in Noise-Pop Band During Offseason
Area Booze-hound criticized for well-kept image
Colleges Create More Practical Majors for Recession
Local Community Sick of Well-To-Do Young Liberals
Studies Show: Pot-Smokers Earn More Accolades than Non-smokers.
‘Deer Hunter’ to be Remade Involving...
Gwine virulllll
I tried to make a viral video. I bought a camera. My computer came with some basic editing software. Hell, I can do this, I thought to myself. And did it, I did.
My finished product was unstoppable.
It had everything. A cute animal. A secret video of my younger brother doing something embarrassing. An animal attack. A desperately trying to be weird/esoteric/random cartoon. An alllllmost nipple...
Depressed Depression
WARNING: THIS SKETCH DOES NOT NECESSARILY MAKE SENSE
Inside a psychiatrist’s office
DOCTOR: Hello! You must be Hal. My name is Doctor Wilson. I’ll be standing in for your regular psychiatrist today. Have a seat.
HAL: Hi, thanks.
DOCTOR: Well, let’s just get right to it. Shall we?
HAL: Doctor Wilson, I’m completely and totally depressed.
DOCTOR: Mm hm…and tell me...
two tickets.
this morning i found something in my breast pocket: two tickets from the first broadway show my wife and I ever attended. i didn’t throw them out. i thought maybe i’d want to someday commemorate the event with a tidy scrap book or frame, but then i realized the real reason i didn’t throw them out. i liked the way the thick cardboard of the ticket felt against my chest.
Treasure
Two men stand above a hole.
THEO: Dammit. DAMMIT. I swear this is where the map said the treasure would be.
JIM: Right here. The X was right here. We solved the riddle, we crossed the cursed swamp, we did everything.
THEO: And no treasure.
JIM: Not a dubloon. Not even a note.
A beat.
THEO: Unless….
JIM: Unless what?
THEO: Unless this is the treasure.
JIM: This? What do you mean?
...
.
this is me. good night.
hold on.
this is my stop.
wait.
what’s up?
i’ll see you tomorrow.
maybe.
Highlander
Two men meet upon a desolate mountain top. They are both quite fearsome.
Man: I am the highlander!
Man2: I am the highlande- Wait, realllly? You are the highlander? Are you sure?
Man: Yes, I am certain! I am the highlander!
Man2: You’re sure? How do you know?
Man: It is I who slayed the last highlander! There can only be one highlander, thus it is I!
Man2: Hm. Fuck. I could have sworn...
C-SPAN
A Senator stands before Congress in Capitol Hill.
Senator: We are stuck in these partisan battlegrounds and we reside within a fierce stalemate. We need to remember why we came to Washington to begin with—to represent these fine people of the United States, the small communities which help raise us into who we are today, and the businesses which serve the American people; like we do. No...
Goodbye America
It’s Saturday night. My grandma has been here since Wednesday. She sleeps on the couch.
The run down of my life since her arrival:
1.) Avoid her as much as possible
2.) Drive her to wherever she needs to go
3.) Pick her up from wherever she’s been
4.) Eat her food
5.) Listen to her snore at night
We get along. She likes physical comedy. She doesn’t speak much English.
I...
STOP YELLING
A man walks into a coffee shop. He is wearing massive headphones.
Man: HI! HEY! I’LL HAVE A SMALL LATTE! CAN YOU PUT AN EXTRA SHOT OF ESPRESSO IN THERE???!! AND DO YOU HAVE SCONES??!! I’LL HAVE A SCONE!!!!!!
Barista: Sir, could you please remove your headphones?
Man: WHAT??!! HUH!?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER MY MUSIC!!!
Barista: Sir, you’re yelling! Can you take out your...
An Alternate Universe
Imagine a world of anarchy and destruction.
Order is now chaos. Money is now useless. Fear and paranoia coarse through our veins like blood.
The recession does not matter here. There are no banks, no institutions, no God. Roves of thieves and outlaws rule the land. Warlords assemble their paramilitaries to battle one another for what little natural resources we have left. And the only semblance...
Overheard at the UN
Translated from German:
Kara did not die from suffocating you guys. She snapped her neck.
How do you explain the choking sounds, Todd?
When the zombie pulled from the car, the force of the moving car pulled her in the other direction.
Yeah but she had already choked to death from the rope!
Translated from Czech:
Yeah it was like a brothel, but you could snort coke off of any girl you want.
...
World's Slowest Pizza
Let’s watch the world’s slowest pizza being made. Wow! This is taking forever. I don’t think we’ll ever get to eat it. Not at this rate. Geez! Amazing.
Producer's Notes on Psycho (1959)
Producer’s Notes on Psycho October 1959:
-Color looks ugly, make it black and white
-Black faced gas station attendant unnecessary
-Norman Bates shouldn’t wink so much into the camera
-Janet Leigh gets boring around the half-way mark (suggestion: kill her)
-Cut shower scene to under 15 minutes (breast do not need so much lathering)
-Also odd place for Hitchcock(your) walk-on
...
Match-Maker
Oh my God, I triple dog dare you to call her right now and tell her what you just told me. Do it! Don’t be a wuss! Tell her. Tell that chick that you want to make-out with her face! I’m holding the phone. The number has been pressed in. Come on, man. Man-up. I don’t know what her response’ll be, I’m not her. Maybe she’ll be like, sick, I want to make-out with...
THINK ABOUT THIS
Your grandmother once had sex with your grandfather. She probably moaned and oh yeahed while your grandfather gave it to her. Think about that.
Every single person that ever lived has grandparents (though not necessarily living). At one point, those grandparents fornicated. YOUR GRANDPARENTS. There was sweat. There were fluids. There was that moment of suspended pause after it was over. One of...
What I Really Want
Who knows what I want better than me, right?
My mom thinks she knows what I really want (a nice girl).
My girlfriend thinks she knows what I really want (a wife).
My wife thinks she knows what I really want (a child).
My friends think they know what I really want (to not have so many mistresses).
But you they don’t.
Only I know what I really want.
But I’m not telling you.