Friends on Parade
I’d like to shine a light on a much overlooked disability: Assholism
Generally regarded as an annoyance or a nuisance, recent studies at the University of Chicago have proven that the common perception that an Asshole can change is simply not true.
It is simply inate. Our friends, neighbors, and loved ones simply suffer from a crippling disease and we have to treat it with sympathy and care.
We must be the change we want in the world. Make a difference and help.
Spend evenings with your loved ones discussing politics over some coffee and biscotti. Simply mention the economy or foreign policy and let your loved one spew out misguided facts, outdated arguments, and uncompromising bigotry. For their sake, keep your mouth shut and simply nod. Or if you do feel the need to speak and reciprocate your love, be sure to let your loved one talk over you; never finish a sentence. They’ll know you care.
When hanging out at a bar with friends who suffer from Assholism, be sure to introduce them to your girlfriend. Let them know she’s your girlfriend, so they feel even more inclined to flirt with her. Help them out, act as a wingman. Boast their qualities and laugh at their jokes. If there is ever a dull moment, take initiative: don’t wait for your friends to ask you to buy some drinks; leave the second you get a chance. Give them some quality alone time. This will make it easier for them to catch a peck on the lips from your sweetheart.
If you don’t happen to know anyone of the 1 in 5 people suffering from Assholism, take it to the streets. Assholes love to crash through people on sidewalks. Make yourself a target. Assholes tend to walk in the middle and sometimes have go out of their way to bump people. Well stop making them fight for it, make it easier. Meet them halfway: Stand in the middle of the sidewalk and act limber. Get ready to be plowed in the name of love.
Please if you know anyone who suffers from this disease, stop fighting and embrace it. Give them the love and care they deserve.
