I Feel Bad, You Guys
For Canada that is.
Do you realize how bad we just gave it to Canada this past week? We being the United States and giving it being a righteous right hook to the face.
The US currently has 24 medals to boot. Canada, the host nation, has 10. Apolo Anton Ohno alone has 7.
HERE’s A DICK TO DA FACE!!!
Bode Miller. Lindsey Vonn. Shaun White. Sound familiar? Well yeah because they basically demi-gods and they’ve unleashed a fury greater than Mars or Jupiter could have ever imagined. It’s Roman. Oh and Cheryl Bernard? Booo! Who are you?!!
“Why I’m the captain of the Candian Curling team. I am well respected within my country. I live a humble life in Calgary with my partner—”
“Boooooo! Do a 1260!”
Oh are you hungry? Well here’s a can of DICK IN YO FACE.
And by far the most humiliating event of 2010: US’s upset in Men’s Hockey. It’s gosh darn stereotype that Canadians live and die for hockey. They’re really nice and they love hockey. That’s it!!
And for a team that is younger, less experienced, and not jam-packed with hall of famers to beat Canada IN Vancouver? Well that’s just disenchanting. That’s utterly depressing. It was actually the first time the US beat Canada in hockey since 1950. We had Pearl Harbor, they… well you can do the math.
Aww are you feeling sick? We’ve got some Tylenol. Oh it’s more like an upset stomach? Well here’s some pepto bismol. Yeah there you go. Drink it down buddy. Haha it is really hard to say, really fast. Pepto bismol. Pepto Bismal. How’s Maggie? Oh cool uhh— how about a DICK IN YO FACE!
I conclude that we as Americans should just lay off. We’re great. We get it. We are sooo awesome. It’s like being a fan of Aton, the God of the first Monotheistic religion. You’re always going to beat the shit out of Osiris or even Ra, because they’re not real gods, but according to the pharaoh at the time, you are. It’s just not fun to watch.
We need conflict. Make it interesting.
Give Canada some of it’s glory back. So rather than beating the crap out of Canada, let’s show them how great we are as people. Yeah you! American athletes!
Help a Canadian up if they fall on downhill slalom. Jump in there and help Canada push that bobsled to top speed! Inline skaters, stay ahead for about the whole race and just when you’re about to reach the finish line, put on the brakes and watch Canada coast. Hey you know what? Listen buddy, shoot the puck in the upper right corner of the net. I’ll be “sneezing” when you shoot it, wink.
Instead of U-S-A, chant U-S-Hey, Canada let us create a mutually binding diplomatic relationship to help further grow our nations’ well being!
Leave little notes in their uniforms and lockers saying, “You are worth it!” or “You’re brighter than a day on Vancouver Island!” Every Canadian loves Vancouver island.
Heck even offer them basic life advice. Maybe they’re having problems with their DVR. Maybe they ended a 4 year relationship and want to learn how to love again. People like a an open ear.
Together we can do this. Together we can help out our neighbors to the north.
