A letter to the drunk people who are currently screaming “look at that cat” outside my apartment
Dear drunk people,
Wow! Yes, you are right! The small black and white furry creature you see next to the garbage cans is indeed a cat. I am impressed you have such a strong grasp of the animal kingdom to know, such undeniable certainty, what a cat looks like.
Believe me when I say, the neighbors were so relieved when you said it was a cat. And than again and again, louder and louder each time. Our slumber is of no competition when it comes to this situation. You see, we are very appreciative. In fact, up until 20 minutes ago, we have all been wondering what the hell that furry thing was. Was it animal? Was it demon? Was it man?! No! It is cat! Of course! We knew it belonged to the owner of the sub place next to our building - and since it was “owned” we assumed that it meant it wasn’t a small hairy human, because humans don’t own humans in America. We knew that it had a strange animal language but weren’t able to pinpoint which one. Since it was high pitched, we thought maybe it was a rodent of some sort? But some days it’s language would be deep and low, so perhaps it was a cow? That would explain it’s colors.
We also knew it ate meat - so for a couple days we were sure it was a bear. Janice in 4A even through fire at it once when the animal started walke towards her when she exited the building. Yes, Janice carried fire with her.
But no, it was too small to be a bear. Too cute to be a ostrich. And it had this weird purring sound when you fed it, so that took potato out of the option. Jonah from 8B started a rumor that it was a potato because he wanted to eat it.
So drunk people, that you for walking outside at 4 am and declaring outloud in a slurred, joyous but confident voice that “OMGaaad look at that cat! It’s a Cat! Tracey do you see it?? Ohhmaagaaad it’s a caaat!!! Come here kittttty! Meow meoow! Ommggaaahd it’s soooooooo cute! Ommgggggood. Tracey! It’s a cat! A cat! I said a cat!!! ahhhh! Look at it!!!!!! Ammmgfaaaaaad it’s a cat!!! Ah fuck I lost my gloves! Tracey where the fuck are youuu???”
The residents at 892 Borgon St are grateful for the service you have provided our small community. Now we can rest easy, knowing that the animal hair thin is indeed a cat.
Much love, MZ
