C-SPAN
A Senator stands before Congress in Capitol Hill.
Senator: We are stuck in these partisan battlegrounds and we reside within a fierce stalemate. We need to remember why we came to Washington to begin with—to represent these fine people of the United States, the small communities which help raise us into who we are today, and the businesses which serve the American people; like we do. No more bickering, let’s start right now and create ACTUAL change. I ask you to support this unemployment bill for we are a government for the people, by the people, and of the people!
Applause.
Speaker of the House: Thank you Senator Billets. Now let’s take this time to debate Senator Billets’ bill on unemployment benefits before we vote.
Sumner: I’d like to speak.
Speaker: Proceed.
Sumner: A government is like a termite hill. It is complex. There are many chambers or offices, and like any bureaucracy much communication is lost as it flows from office to office. As we march on and chew on the wood of tyranny and war, we must remember to keep sight on our queen: liberty. Liberty, in this sense, of the American people who we are here to serve—
Speaker: Excuse me Senator, I’d like to ask you move through the florid speech to your main points.
Sumner: Of course. Uhh let’s see here. What would Ben Franklin say to us if he saw us now? Would he be proud to see us feuding? Winged termite against drone-like sentry? No, and I say we stand here today not only as Senators but as Americans.
Applause
Speaker: All well ang good, but I didn’t quite understand your point on the matter at hand—
Townsend: I’d like to speak.
Speaker: Proceed.
Townsend: Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. That’s the sound of liberty running out of time. Splish. Splash. Splish. Splash. Those are the waves of justice amongst a low tide of impartiality. Ooooo, sounds the pregnant mistress of freedom thrown from her home. Unwanted and unloved by her parents: Bipartisan and bickering—
Speaker: Senators. I appreciate your wonderful prose, but I’d like to get to the main matter at hand: the unemployment bill. Now Senator Townsend, what do you have to say about the bill?
Townsend: Ben Franklin once said, “Be it grace or with haste, one must never forget they are fighting for freedon!” I say with an iPod in one hand and a scroll of the Constitution in the other, “I haven’t forgotten Mr. Franklin.”
Applause.
Speaker: Did all of you only prepare broad speeches about change and freedom?
All Senators nod their heads.
Speaker: Did anyone of you actually prepare for what we are actually debating?
All Senators shake their heads.
Sumner: We really feel inspired by Obama sir.
Townsend: Yeah want to promote the kind of change he wants.
Speaker: Well rather than making more speeches about change, why don’t you actually legislate some?
Billets: Oh no, just the speeches will do fine.
Sumner: I bought this thesaurus for a reason.
Speaker: You should be disgusted with yourselves. You’re here to serve the American public, not practice your prose. That’s all well and good for your egos, but you’ve completely turned your back on Americans—the people you’re meant to serve. This bill is probably one of the most important bills we’ve faced in the past 10 years. We must come to a resolution if not for us, then for our brothers and sisters in freedom!
Beat.
Billets: Eh a little too hokey.
Sumner: Well, I don’t feel the least bit inspired.
Townsend: Blaise. Yawn.
