Sports Guidance Counselor
Int. Guidance Counselor’s office
Jerry: Hey Mr. Sports Counselor, all the kids pick on me because I’m a little overweight. I tell them I’m big-boned, but they still laugh at me because they can run faster than me. What can I do?
Counselor: Why that’s easy you little rapscallion! Join the football team. Did you know that football is the second to only sumo-wrestling in median player-size?
Jerry: No I didn’t!
Counselor: Yes, now go put on some more pounds my boy! They won’t be laughing at you when they find out you’re the best linebacker in the nation.
Jerry: Golly, they wouldn’t believe it! That sounds great!
Counselor: Oh and don’t be surprised if you keel over at 35, but don’t worry you’ll have 2 super bowl rings on your finger and 3 playboy model wives by then, so the math adds up!
Jerry: Uh.. ok thanks!
Jimmy: Counselor, I get injured very easily and I don’t like to work very hard. Is there a sport for me?
Counselor: Why yes! Baseball’s the game! Get injected with some groovy liquids and you’ll be a national hero! You won’t have to do any work at all. Just be sure to thank God when you hit your titan-like home runs or else they’ll become suspicious.
Jimmy: Oh gee, thanks!
Karl: I’m a Nordic looking male, who’s overt and shockingly honest racism is masked by the fact that I’m completely surrounded by other Nordic looking men—
Counselor: Say no more my Scandinavian friend. Lace up some skates because you’re gunna play hockey!
Karl: Tak.
Tim: I like to drink milk.
Counselor: Nascar.
Mike: I like to smoke weed.
Counselor: Swimming.
Ron: I am tall black male who can run very fast and jump higher than most people.
Counselor: Um… I… I’m sorry. I can’t think of anything for you Ron. I don’t think there’s a sport out there that fits those requirements. I’m terribly sorry.
Ron: That’s ok Counselor. Thanks for trying anyways.
Counselor: Wait! I’ve got it!
Newspaper headline: “Ron Sterling wins International Chess tournament”
