Salmon
An Alaskan stream gushes beneath a canyon of evergreen boughs. A salmon darts upstream, dodging sparse debris from a flash flood miles ahead, projecting a fleeting flash of reflected sunlight on the washed out bank. He thinks.
HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT IT IS COLD. JESUS. Oh my god this water is so goddamned freezing. Oh this sucks so so bad. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. OH SHIT, A MOSQUITO IS ON THE SURFACE! Mmmmm….yum. Wow, I will just never get tired of the taste of fresh mosquito. AH! ANOTHER ONE! Mmm mmm MMM, eatins this good almost make me forget HOW FUCKING FRIGID THIS FUCKING WATER IS. ARGH! I’m tired. Maybe I’ll just hang out in this eddy for a bit to give my gills a restOHFUCKIT’SABEAR!!!! Ohhhhshitohshitohshitohshitttttt, swimswimswimswimswim go go go go motherfucker GO! Annnnnnd we’re safe. Phew. That was a bear. Bears are big. Wow bears are big. I wonder how far I am from the spawning ground? God I would kill just to be there right now. I’m tired of all this upstream bullshit. I just wanna chillax and fuckin’ spawn ALLLLLL DAY. Man it’s been too long since I’ve spawned. I guess I’m just getting old. Can’t just be spawning left and right like the good ol’ days I suppose. FUCK WHY THE FUCK IS THIS WATER SO FUCKING COLD!? AHHHHH! I can’t believe I fucking LIVE in this shit! SO. COLD. Some spawning would realllllly help this situation right now. Oh helllll yeah, look at that big ass bug just chillin’ on the surface up there. Hey lil’ bug, I’m bout to eat your ass. Heerrrrre I commmmee tee hee hee!!!!!! AGHFUCKINGSHITFUCKWHATTHEFUCK IS THIS THING??? HOLY SHIT THERE IS A PIECE OF BARBED METAL THROUGH MY FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! OW! STOP PULLING ME!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING DRAGGING ME BY MY FACE!!! STOP DRAGGING ME BY MY FACE DAMMIT!! Oh no! I’m out of the water! I can’t breathe out here! AH!! THIS HURTS SO BAD! MY GILLS HURT! MUST GET BACK IN WATER SOMEHOW!!!—wait a second. Wait jussssssst a second. It is downright WARM out here right now. WHAT THE FUCK. Is it always this warm outside of the water in the summer??? Bears get to bask in THIS shit all the time??? Mannnnn, that’s just rich. Why the hell is this dude measuring me right now?? GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU ASSHOLE!!! I’M TWITCHING SO MUCH BECAUSE I’M SUFFOCATING RIGHT NOW FUCKFACE! Wait, what’s this? Really? Are you really about to throw me back? YES!!! He’s throwing me back in the water! I can’t believe this!!! One two three WEEEE!!! I’m airborn! I’m free! Yay! I’m back in the water. FUCK IT IS SO FUCKING COLD IN HERE.
